#5 They Think They Are Hotter Than They Actually Are

Do you wonder why you are not getting the respect you deserve from the ladies? Do girls tend to be "busy" when you call? Do you find yourself ward-hopping on Sundays because you don't think the girls in your congregation are up to par? Are you waiting in line after sacrament meeting to talk to your next target? When you finally get your turn, does she continually glance over your shoulder instead of meeting your gaze straight on?

Well, guess what, it's probably not because she is really worried about being late for Sunday School. If you have answered yes to these questions, you are probably a single Mormon guy in your late 20's who thinks you are hotter than you actually are.

I'm not just talking about looks here. The 1-10 scale includes the total package, and the truth is that women are very forgiving when it comes to looks. That is why inside and outside of Mormondom, you see beautiful woman with average looking husbands. However, (and this is important) just because you are single and and served a mission, doesn't mean that you aren't still a 2 looking for a 10.

What exactly do you think you have to offer this #10? Do you think she will be impressed with your Halo skills? Or your "plans" for some future scheme which will eventually make you rich? (You are already 29, the future is now.) Do you think she is looking for a guy whose apartment smells like trash? Or who skips his ward every week to scope out new blood? Does she want to hang with a guy who is still sharing a bedroom? Or drive him around all the time because he doesn't own a car? Think again.

Also, that #10 is probably just as shallow as you are. She is looking for a good-looking guy who is confident, makes more money than she does, has other hobbies besides watching Sports Center until 2:00 am and doesn't consider The Olive Garden an appropriate dinner date. (But what about those breadsticks!)

My advice today: Do something to improve your rating and stop aiming for the 10. There are plenty of 5s and 6s out there that would happy to go out with you and are still way out of your league.

#4 Tip Calculator

There are a lot of good Mormon principles that somehow get warped into destructive behaviours. For example, the principle of Frugality. Frugality is a very good thing in general. It helps Mormons stay out of debt, amass large quantities of dried foods and have large families without living off of food stamps. Unfortunately, many Mormon men warp this celestial principle into a justification for being Cheap.

Mormons in general are known as being Cheap. A server's nightmare is a big group of Mormons descending on a half-price burger night, monopolizing three or four tables (all pushed together of course), and not ordering anything but burgers. If you are a Cheap man, I'm sure you will be able to find a Cheap woman and together you can stiff all the servers you want. However, to most of us, Cheapness on a date is one of our nightmares as well.

Nothing makes you feel worse faster than sitting down with your date at a nice restaurant and watching his face slowly turn green as he flips through the menu. Except maybe when he tells you (after you've already ordered drinks) that he's changed his mind and would rather go to the Dennys around the corner. And then, after a nice meal at Dennys, the guy pulls out a tip calculator. He jokes about what a good thing it is. You make a mental excuse for him, "Maybe he is just not good at math. Maybe he is more of an artistic type." Come on, ladies, this guy has been paying his tithing for 20 years. He knows how to calculate 10% and should be able to take it from there. The tip calculator is to help him figure out the bare minimum he can leave on the table.

Guys, "Cheap" makes your date feel like she is not worth the $2.50 you refused to spend on her drink. She's likely leaving that much on the table when she runs back because she "forgot her purse" to make up for your weak tip. Do your research. Don't take her to a restaurant if you can't afford everything on the menu. We aren't dumb. If we are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, it's not by accident and you'd better start thinking of what you've done wrong.

#3 Their Mothers Taught Them It's What Is On The Inside That Counts

Guys. We already talked about how you aren't very good at applying this principle to the more delicate gender, but you are halfway there! Props on being able to apply it to yourselves. Seriously. Walk into any large singles ward and you will see a host of beautiful glammed-out women (they don't call it a fashion show for nothing) and a smattering of balding men who haven't seen a gym in years.

Mormon Men were taught from an early age to develop their inward beauty, and that is fantastic, we love you for it and we are trying to work with what we've got. Most of us marry down, looks-wise, and we've had to accept that. But please, throw us a bone. We know we are hotter than you, it's obvious. Non-Mormon Men (who regularly visit gyms) are picking up on us every day and when they find out we are boyfriend-less, they think you are crazy. No wonder so many of us are trying the "flirt-to-convert" method. We may not be as shallow as you, but we would still like something pretty to look at over dinner.

Swallow your pride and invest more in your personal grooming. Just buy those tweezers. It's time for that unibrow to go. And then leave the tweezers casually by the bathroom sink so your roommates can secretly use them too. This would be a huge favor to all of us. And (do I dare suggest this?) perhaps you could get a pedicure every once in a while. No need for paint, just some professional help. The "who-has-the-nastiest-feet" competition has always been a huge turn-off. No one is going to speak up and say, "oh, your feet really aren't that bad," because face it, they are.

Also, if you are going to take your role as a protector seriously, you will need to start working out on a regular basis. (Saturday morning church-ball doesn't count.) Hit the gym. Lift some weights. Get a little meat on those bones (or get it off.) You can bet that the girl you've been eyeing during Sunday School has a well-used gym membership. Maybe you'll see her there. We know you can't help the balding, or the "boy smell", but please do something to make your outsides as beautiful as your insides.

#2 Can't Get A Word In Edgewise

Seriously guys, you may as well take out a cardboard cut out of Keira Knightley instead of subjecting a real woman to a monologue of your CV. She will be just as impressed and you will still have something pretty to look at while you talk.

The problem originated with most Mormon Men, post-mission. They were socially awkward and didn't really have anything to talk about. So they fell back on mission stories to get them through and hoped they were sufficiently impressive.

ie. Guy just returned from his mission and he and his roommates plan a group date to go mini-golfing and get shakes. While at the shake shack, Guy & his roommates begin telling mission stories and doing that thing where they wave their hand up and down and make a snapping noise with their fingers. (This action deserves an entire post to itself so I won't go into it here.) Guy hopes his cute date will pick up on how much he loved his mission. (Mostly by saying, "Dude! I loved the mish!" over and over.) He also hopes that she will be impressed by the fact that he extended and was AP for five months. He regrets not having pictures on hand, but is glad that the roommates served in Latin America as well, so they can all converse in Spanish during the night about how the date is going.

Subsequently, the girl is mysteriously "busy" all the time.

After a few of these disastrous dates, you would think this Guy would learn his lesson. However, it just gets worse. The Guy is smart enough to see a pattern of bored women, but he still misses the point. He doesn't realize that the women are bored because they haven't had a chance to say a word all night; He still assumes that the more he talks about his accomplishments, the more into him she will become.

The problem continues into post-graduate and professional life. At the end of his typical date, the woman knows the following about him:

1. his job
2. his major
3. his cumulative gpa
4. how prestigious his law school is
5. how prestigious his law firm is
6. how much he makes
7. how much he makes in comparison to his roommates
8. how much money he raised on the Mitt Romney campaign
9. his political views
10. why his political views are better than those of the guy she went out with last week
11. how good he is with children
12. how much he loves his mother

At the end of his typical date, he knows the following about the woman:

1. her first name

Women don't want to be talked at. Learn how to have a conversation. Ask questions about her. Your credentials will speak for themselves and she will be impressed that you actually care about who she is and not just what she looks like. (see post #1)